I’m Having a Baby, Y’all! Or
Dispelling Pregnancy Myths and Helpful Hints with Meg!
I’m all set to deliver our second child next week! While I’m very excited for the pregnancy stage to be over and the actual baby to here, everyone around me is treating me like I’m going to torpedo a baby straight out of my loins at any moment. Too many movies have made birth seem very instantaneous and, I think, gives everyone a heightened sense of freaking the eff out when it comes to dealing with a someone who is so very close to delivering. Here are a few helpful hints when dealing with someone who could go into labor around you, as well as a few day to day facts for dealing with The Pregnants in your life.
- Yes, my water could break at work. No, the baby will not follow immediately after as if on a water slide. I can assure you, random co-worker, I will not be asking you for help with this problem. I will calmly excuse myself and, when out of your earshot, track down my husband and get to the hospital as quickly as possible. No, there probably won’t be a huge mess to clean up but just in case, I will start stuffing my pockets full of Brawny to deal with this on the spot.
- Fine, you can touch my stomach. No, you may not touch it again after the baby is born. That’s not how things work. Gratefully, with this pregnancy, I haven’t had any strangers reach out for a feel (I actually have more people who grab my arm from across a counter to inspect my tattoos, which I find WAY more annoying than having friends touch my giant baby gut). Remember, ask first, never assume it’s OK and, as always, no means no.
- I’m not planning on delivering in my car, but every movie where this has happened the woman is wearing a dress. How very convenient. My jeans don’t come with a trap door so I’m unsure how to proceed in this kind of situation. Thank you for giving me something terrifying to think about.
- Even if I have a name picked out, I’m totally prepared to lie to you and tell you, “There’s a few in the mix, we’ll just see what she looks like!” I personally do this if another pregnant lady ask, as I am highly competitive and don’t want anyone to steal the name that I’m completely sure is the most perfect name in the history of the world. I will also do this if I don’t want to have a lengthy conversation with someone about its meaning, origin and significance (I work retail, I would rather just give the easiest answer on this subject and move onto the next thing).
- “You look tired” is NEVER something you say to a woman. EVER. It’s accurate, I am VERY tired. I don’t need an outsider’s opinion, I can feel the bags under my eyes and the rampant irritability all by myself.
- I am grimacing at you because I have a baby doing a drum fill in my pelvis, it’s not you, it’s me. Just pretend like it didn’t happen.
With less than a week to go, my irritability level has increased while my ability to be a rational and calm human being has decreased. It’s doubtful that a blog will go up next week as I’ll be recovering and trying to remember how to “baby” again, but hopefully my ability to write about pop culture and my current obsessions will be back soon! Until then, be kind to the pregnant ladies in your lives. Buy them a fruit cup and a bagel and, if it’s for me, something with boba in it.